i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
