She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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