my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
