I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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