just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
