NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
