i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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