Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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