Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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