Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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