just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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