Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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