So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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