Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
