Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize