don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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