i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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