Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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