You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
