I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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