And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize