So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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