I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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