remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
