Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
