omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
