i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize