I don't usually arrange sex via text message
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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