Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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