If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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