My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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