i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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