Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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