Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
