he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
