They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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