The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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