we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
