I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
