I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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