just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
