while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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