that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
