whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
