Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
