Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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