The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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