I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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