Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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