If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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