Please, let me fuck your mom
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
