the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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