I can text with my tongue
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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