Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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