I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
