A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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