We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
