I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize